Learning About Apology Languages Will Make Your "Sorry" Actually Stick

You've probably already heard about the five love languages, but you may not be as familiar with the five apology languages. The love languages — which are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, physical touch, and acts of service — describe ways people give and receive love best. But apology languages? They describe ways people give and receive apologies.

According to the book "When Sorry Isn't Enough: Making Things Right With Those You Love," written by Gary Chapman (the same author behind "Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts"), PhD, and Jennifer Thomas, PhD, apology languages are ways we "heal hurt" and ways we want others to "heal our own hurt." Think about them as being "your preference in receiving an apology," says Lauren Cook-McKay, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist who helps couples struggling in their marriage at Divorce Answers.

Similarly to love languages, there are five apology languages: expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely repenting, and requesting forgiveness. Experts say that knowing the apology language of yourself, your friend, family member, partner, and/or coworker, can help you apologize to them more effectively in the way that means most to them.

Let me give you an example. Let's say your loved one forgot dinner plans you had together. They try to make amends by expressing regret and they say something like "I feel awful about tonight," but you were looking for them to make restitution by saying something like, "Can I take you out to eat next week to make up for it?" instead. You'll leave the interaction feeling dissatisfied and possibly angry and resentful, which can lead to issues in the relationship.

However, this interaction doesn't necessarily mean that your loved one wasn't sorry — they're just be using an apology language that doesn't resonate with you. For this reason, learning each other's apology language can help you find the best way to communicate your apologies in a way that makes each other feel seen and respected. And since disagreements are inevitable, Cook-McKay says, "The best way to navigate [these disagreements and conflicts] is to understand each other's apology language to solve conflicts with less damage in a way that satisfies both parties."

So if you're interested in knowing your apology language — and let's be honest, you should be — you can take The Apology Language Quiz or talk to a mental health professional. Once you know which one resonates most with you, keep reading for more details on what each one entails.

— Additional reporting by Maggie Ryan